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Troilus and Cressida

ACT I SCENE II The same. A street. 
CRESSIDAWho were those went by?
ALEXANDERQueen Hecuba and Helen.
CRESSIDAAnd whither go they?
ALEXANDERUp to the eastern tower,
Whose height commands as subject all the vale,5
To see the battle. Hector, whose patience
Is, as a virtue, fix'd, to-day was moved:
He chid Andromache and struck his armourer,
And, like as there were husbandry in war,
Before the sun rose he was harness'd light,10
And to the field goes he; where every flower
Did, as a prophet, weep what it foresaw
In Hector's wrath.
CRESSIDAWhat was his cause of anger?
ALEXANDERThe noise goes, this: there is among the Greeks15
A lord of Trojan blood, nephew to Hector;
They call him Ajax.
CRESSIDAGood; and what of him?
ALEXANDERThey say he is a very man per se,
And stands alone.20
CRESSIDASo do all men, unless they are drunk, sick, or have no legs.
ALEXANDERThis man, lady, hath robbed many beasts of their
particular additions; he is as valiant as the lion,
churlish as the bear, slow as the elephant: a man
into whom nature hath so crowded humours that his25
valour is crushed into folly, his folly sauced with
discretion: there is no man hath a virtue that he
hath not a glimpse of, nor any man an attaint but he
carries some stain of it: he is melancholy without
cause, and merry against the hair: he hath the30
joints of every thing, but everything so out of joint
that he is a gouty Briareus, many hands and no use,
or purblind Argus, all eyes and no sight.
CRESSIDABut how should this man, that makes
me smile, make Hector angry?35
ALEXANDERThey say he yesterday coped Hector in the battle and
struck him down, the disdain and shame whereof hath
ever since kept Hector fasting and waking.
CRESSIDAWho comes here?
ALEXANDERMadam, your uncle Pandarus.40
CRESSIDAHector's a gallant man.
ALEXANDERAs may be in the world, lady.
PANDARUSWhat's that? what's that?
CRESSIDAGood morrow, uncle Pandarus.
PANDARUSGood morrow, cousin Cressid: what do you talk of?45
Good morrow, Alexander. How do you, cousin? When
were you at Ilium?
CRESSIDAThis morning, uncle.
PANDARUSWhat were you talking of when I came? Was Hector
armed and gone ere ye came to Ilium? Helen was not50
up, was she?
CRESSIDAHector was gone, but Helen was not up.
PANDARUSEven so: Hector was stirring early.
CRESSIDAThat were we talking of, and of his anger.
PANDARUSWas he angry?55
CRESSIDASo he says here.
PANDARUSTrue, he was so: I know the cause too: he'll lay
about him to-day, I can tell them that: and there's
Troilus will not come far behind him: let them take
heed of Troilus, I can tell them that too.60
CRESSIDAWhat, is he angry too?
PANDARUSWho, Troilus? Troilus is the better man of the two.
CRESSIDAO Jupiter! there's no comparison.
PANDARUSWhat, not between Troilus and Hector? Do you know a
man if you see him?65
CRESSIDAAy, if I ever saw him before and knew him.
PANDARUSWell, I say Troilus is Troilus.
CRESSIDAThen you say as I say; for, I am sure, he is not Hector.
PANDARUSNo, nor Hector is not Troilus in some degrees.
CRESSIDA'Tis just to each of them; he is himself.70
PANDARUSHimself! Alas, poor Troilus! I would he were.
PANDARUSCondition, I had gone barefoot to India.
CRESSIDAHe is not Hector.
PANDARUSHimself! no, he's not himself: would a' were75
himself! Well, the gods are above; time must friend
or end: well, Troilus, well: I would my heart were
in her body. No, Hector is not a better man than Troilus.
CRESSIDAExcuse me.
PANDARUSHe is elder.80
CRESSIDAPardon me, pardon me.
PANDARUSTh' other's not come to't; you shall tell me another
tale, when th' other's come to't. Hector shall not
have his wit this year.
CRESSIDAHe shall not need it, if he have his own.85
PANDARUSNor his qualities.
CRESSIDANo matter.
PANDARUSNor his beauty.
CRESSIDA'Twould not become him; his own's better.
PANDARUSYou have no judgment, niece: Helen90
herself swore th' other day, that Troilus, for
a brown favour--for so 'tis, I must confess,--
not brown neither,--
CRESSIDANo, but brown.
PANDARUS'Faith, to say truth, brown and not brown.95
CRESSIDATo say the truth, true and not true.
PANDARUSShe praised his complexion above Paris.
CRESSIDAWhy, Paris hath colour enough.
PANDARUSSo he has.
CRESSIDAThen Troilus should have too much: if she praised100
him above, his complexion is higher than his; he
having colour enough, and the other higher, is too
flaming a praise for a good complexion. I had as
lief Helen's golden tongue had commended Troilus for
a copper nose.105
PANDARUSI swear to you. I think Helen loves him better than Paris.
CRESSIDAThen she's a merry Greek indeed.
PANDARUSNay, I am sure she does. She came to him th' other
day into the compassed window,--and, you know, he
has not past three or four hairs on his chin,--110
CRESSIDAIndeed, a tapster's arithmetic may soon bring his
particulars therein to a total.
PANDARUSWhy, he is very young: and yet will he, within
three pound, lift as much as his brother Hector.
CRESSIDAIs he so young a man and so old a lifter?115
PANDARUSBut to prove to you that Helen loves him: she came
and puts me her white hand to his cloven chin--
CRESSIDAJuno have mercy! how came it cloven?
PANDARUSWhy, you know 'tis dimpled: I think his smiling
becomes him better than any man in all Phrygia.120
CRESSIDAO, he smiles valiantly.
PANDARUSDoes he not?
CRESSIDAO yes, an 'twere a cloud in autumn.
PANDARUSWhy, go to, then: but to prove to you that Helen
loves Troilus,--125
CRESSIDATroilus will stand to the proof, if you'll
prove it so.
PANDARUSTroilus! why, he esteems her no more than I esteem
an addle egg.
CRESSIDAIf you love an addle egg as well as you love an idle130
head, you would eat chickens i' the shell.
PANDARUSI cannot choose but laugh, to think how she tickled
his chin: indeed, she has a marvellous white hand, I
must needs confess,--
CRESSIDAWithout the rack.135
PANDARUSAnd she takes upon her to spy a white hair on his chin.
CRESSIDAAlas, poor chin! many a wart is richer.
PANDARUSBut there was such laughing! Queen Hecuba laughed
that her eyes ran o'er.
CRESSIDAWith mill-stones.140
PANDARUSAnd Cassandra laughed.
CRESSIDABut there was more temperate fire under the pot of
her eyes: did her eyes run o'er too?
PANDARUSAnd Hector laughed.
CRESSIDAAt what was all this laughing?145
PANDARUSMarry, at the white hair that Helen spied on Troilus' chin.
CRESSIDAAn't had been a green hair, I should have laughed
PANDARUSThey laughed not so much at the hair as at his pretty answer.
CRESSIDAWhat was his answer?150
PANDARUSQuoth she, 'Here's but two and fifty hairs on your
chin, and one of them is white.
CRESSIDAThis is her question.
PANDARUSThat's true; make no question of that. 'Two and
fifty hairs' quoth he, 'and one white: that white155
hair is my father, and all the rest are his sons.'
'Jupiter!' quoth she, 'which of these hairs is Paris,
my husband? 'The forked one,' quoth he, 'pluck't
out, and give it him.' But there was such laughing!
and Helen so blushed, an Paris so chafed, and all the160
rest so laughed, that it passed.
CRESSIDASo let it now; for it has been while going by.
PANDARUSWell, cousin. I told you a thing yesterday; think on't.
PANDARUSI'll be sworn 'tis true; he will weep you, an 'twere165
a man born in April.
CRESSIDAAnd I'll spring up in his tears, an 'twere a nettle
against May.
[A retreat sounded]
PANDARUSHark! they are coming from the field: shall we
stand up here, and see them as they pass toward170
Ilium? good niece, do, sweet niece Cressida.
CRESSIDAAt your pleasure.
PANDARUSHere, here, here's an excellent place; here we may
see most bravely: I'll tell you them all by their
names as they pass by; but mark Troilus above the rest.175
CRESSIDASpeak not so loud.
[AENEAS passes]
PANDARUSThat's AEneas: is not that a brave man? he's one of
the flowers of Troy, I can tell you: but mark
Troilus; you shall see anon.
[ANTENOR passes]
CRESSIDAWho's that?180
PANDARUSThat's Antenor: he has a shrewd wit, I can tell you;
and he's a man good enough, he's one o' the soundest
judgments in whosoever, and a proper man of person.
When comes Troilus? I'll show you Troilus anon: if
he see me, you shall see him nod at me.185
CRESSIDAWill he give you the nod?
PANDARUSYou shall see.
CRESSIDAIf he do, the rich shall have more.
[HECTOR passes]
PANDARUSThat's Hector, that, that, look you, that; there's a
fellow! Go thy way, Hector! There's a brave man,190
niece. O brave Hector! Look how he looks! there's
a countenance! is't not a brave man?
CRESSIDAO, a brave man!
PANDARUSIs a' not? it does a man's heart good. Look you
what hacks are on his helmet! look you yonder, do195
you see? look you there: there's no jesting;
there's laying on, take't off who will, as they say:
there be hacks!
CRESSIDABe those with swords?
PANDARUSSwords! any thing, he cares not; an the devil come200
to him, it's all one: by God's lid, it does one's
heart good. Yonder comes Paris, yonder comes Paris.
[PARIS passes]
Look ye yonder, niece; is't not a gallant man too,
is't not? Why, this is brave now. Who said he came
hurt home to-day? he's not hurt: why, this will do205
Helen's heart good now, ha! Would I could see
Troilus now! You shall see Troilus anon.
[HELENUS passes]
CRESSIDAWho's that?
PANDARUSThat's Helenus. I marvel where Troilus is. That's
Helenus. I think he went not forth to-day. That's Helenus.210
CRESSIDACan Helenus fight, uncle?
PANDARUSHelenus? no. Yes, he'll fight indifferent well. I
marvel where Troilus is. Hark! do you not hear the
people cry 'Troilus'? Helenus is a priest.
CRESSIDAWhat sneaking fellow comes yonder?215
[TROILUS passes]
PANDARUSWhere? yonder? that's Deiphobus. 'Tis Troilus!
there's a man, niece! Hem! Brave Troilus! the
prince of chivalry!
CRESSIDAPeace, for shame, peace!
PANDARUSMark him; note him. O brave Troilus! Look well upon220
him, niece: look you how his sword is bloodied, and
his helm more hacked than Hector's, and how he looks,
and how he goes! O admirable youth! he ne'er saw
three and twenty. Go thy way, Troilus, go thy way!
Had I a sister were a grace, or a daughter a goddess,225
he should take his choice. O admirable man! Paris?
Paris is dirt to him; and, I warrant, Helen, to
change, would give an eye to boot.
CRESSIDAHere come more.
[Forces pass]
PANDARUSAsses, fools, dolts! chaff and bran, chaff and bran!230
porridge after meat! I could live and die i' the
eyes of Troilus. Ne'er look, ne'er look: the eagles
are gone: crows and daws, crows and daws! I had
rather be such a man as Troilus than Agamemnon and
all Greece.235
CRESSIDAThere is among the Greeks Achilles, a better man than Troilus.
PANDARUSAchilles! a drayman, a porter, a very camel.
CRESSIDAWell, well.
PANDARUS'Well, well!' why, have you any discretion? have
you any eyes? Do you know what a man is? Is not240
birth, beauty, good shape, discourse, manhood,
learning, gentleness, virtue, youth, liberality,
and such like, the spice and salt that season a man?
CRESSIDAAy, a minced man: and then to be baked with no date
in the pie, for then the man's date's out.245
PANDARUSYou are such a woman! one knows not at what ward you
CRESSIDAUpon my back, to defend my belly; upon my wit, to
defend my wiles; upon my secrecy, to defend mine
honesty; my mask, to defend my beauty; and you, to250
defend all these: and at all these wards I lie, at a
thousand watches.
PANDARUSSay one of your watches.
CRESSIDANay, I'll watch you for that; and that's one of the
chiefest of them too: if I cannot ward what I would255
not have hit, I can watch you for telling how I took
the blow; unless it swell past hiding, and then it's
past watching.
PANDARUSYou are such another!
[Enter Troilus's Boy]
BoySir, my lord would instantly speak with you.260
BoyAt your own house; there he unarms him.
PANDARUSGood boy, tell him I come.
[Exit boy]
I doubt he be hurt. Fare ye well, good niece.
CRESSIDAAdieu, uncle.265
PANDARUSI'll be with you, niece, by and by.
CRESSIDATo bring, uncle?
PANDARUSAy, a token from Troilus.
CRESSIDABy the same token, you are a bawd.
Words, vows, gifts, tears, and love's full sacrifice,270
He offers in another's enterprise;
But more in Troilus thousand fold I see
Than in the glass of Pandar's praise may be;
Yet hold I off. Women are angels, wooing:
Things won are done; joy's soul lies in the doing.275
That she beloved knows nought that knows not this:
Men prize the thing ungain'd more than it is:
That she was never yet that ever knew
Love got so sweet as when desire did sue.
Therefore this maxim out of love I teach:280
Achievement is command; ungain'd, beseech:
Then though my heart's content firm love doth bear,
Nothing of that shall from mine eyes appear.

Troilus and Cressida, Act 1, Scene 3


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