| ACT V SCENE IV | The palace yard. |
| [Noise and tumult within. Enter Porter and his Man] |
| Porter | You'll leave your noise anon, ye rascals: do you |
| take the court for Paris-garden? ye rude slaves, |
| leave your gaping. |
[Within] |
| Good master porter, I belong to the larder. |
| Porter | Belong to the gallows, and be hanged, ye rogue! is | 5 |
| this a place to roar in? Fetch me a dozen crab-tree |
| staves, and strong ones: these are but switches to |
| 'em. I'll scratch your heads: you must be seeing |
| christenings? do you look for ale and cakes here, |
| you rude rascals? | 10 |
| Man | Pray, sir, be patient: 'tis as much impossible-- |
| Unless we sweep 'em from the door with cannons-- |
| To scatter 'em, as 'tis to make 'em sleep |
| On May-day morning; which will never be: |
| We may as well push against Powle's, as stir em. | 15 |
| Porter | How got they in, and be hang'd? |
| Man | Alas, I know not; how gets the tide in? |
| As much as one sound cudgel of four foot-- |
| You see the poor remainder--could distribute, |
| I made no spare, sir. | 20 |
| Porter | You did nothing, sir. |
| Man | I am not Samson, nor Sir Guy, nor Colbrand, |
| To mow 'em down before me: but if I spared any |
| That had a head to hit, either young or old, |
| He or she, cuckold or cuckold-maker, | 25 |
| Let me ne'er hope to see a chine again |
| And that I would not for a cow, God save her! |
[Within] |
| Do you hear, master porter? |
| Porter | I shall be with you presently, good master puppy. |
| Keep the door close, sirrah. | 30 |
| Man | What would you have me do? |
| Porter | What should you do, but knock 'em down by the |
| dozens? Is this Moorfields to muster in? or have |
| we some strange Indian with the great tool come to |
| court, the women so besiege us? Bless me, what a | 35 |
| fry of fornication is at door! On my Christian |
| conscience, this one christening will beget a |
| thousand; here will be father, godfather, and all together. |
| Man | The spoons will be the bigger, sir. There is a |
| fellow somewhat near the door, he should be a | 40 |
| brazier by his face, for, o' my conscience, twenty |
| of the dog-days now reign in's nose; all that stand |
| about him are under the line, they need no other |
| penance: that fire-drake did I hit three times on |
| the head, and three times was his nose discharged | 45 |
| against me; he stands there, like a mortar-piece, to |
| blow us. There was a haberdasher's wife of small |
| wit near him, that railed upon me till her pinked |
| porringer fell off her head, for kindling such a |
| combustion in the state. I missed the meteor once, | 50 |
| and hit that woman; who cried out 'Clubs!' when I |
| might see from far some forty truncheoners draw to |
| her succor, which were the hope o' the Strand, where |
| she was quartered. They fell on; I made good my |
| place: at length they came to the broom-staff to | 55 |
| me; I defied 'em still: when suddenly a file of |
| boys behind 'em, loose shot, delivered such a shower |
| of pebbles, that I was fain to draw mine honour in, |
| and let 'em win the work: the devil was amongst |
| 'em, I think, surely. | 60 |
| Porter | These are the youths that thunder at a playhouse, |
| and fight for bitten apples; that no audience, but |
| the tribulation of Tower-hill, or the limbs of |
| Limehouse, their dear brothers, are able to endure. |
| I have some of 'em in Limbo Patrum, and there they | 65 |
| are like to dance these three days; besides the |
| running banquet of two beadles that is to come. |
| [Enter Chamberlain] |
| Chamberlain | Mercy o' me, what a multitude are here! |
| They grow still too; from all parts they are coming, |
| As if we kept a fair here! Where are these porters, | 70 |
| These lazy knaves? Ye have made a fine hand, fellows: |
| There's a trim rabble let in: are all these |
| Your faithful friends o' the suburbs? We shall have |
| Great store of room, no doubt, left for the ladies, |
| When they pass back from the christening. | 75 |
| Porter | An't please |
| your honour, |
| We are but men; and what so many may do, |
| Not being torn a-pieces, we have done: |
| An army cannot rule 'em. | 80 |
| Chamberlain | As I live, |
| If the king blame me for't, I'll lay ye all |
| By the heels, and suddenly; and on your heads |
| Clap round fines for neglect: ye are lazy knaves; |
| And here ye lie baiting of bombards, when | 85 |
| Ye should do service. Hark! the trumpets sound; |
| They're come already from the christening: |
| Go, break among the press, and find a way out |
| To let the troop pass fairly; or I'll find |
| A Marshalsea shall hold ye play these two months. | 90 |
| Porter | Make way there for the princess. |
| Man | You great fellow, |
| Stand close up, or I'll make your head ache. |
| Porter | You i' the camlet, get up o' the rail; |
| I'll peck you o'er the pales else. | 95 |
| [Exeunt] |
The Essential Student History Quiz (with answers and illustrations)