| ACT III SCENE III | A room in FORD'S house. | |
| [Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE] |
| MISTRESS FORD | What, John! What, Robert! |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Quickly, quickly! is the buck-basket-- |
| MISTRESS FORD | I warrant. What, Robin, I say! |
| [Enter Servants with a basket] |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Come, come, come. |
| MISTRESS FORD | Here, set it down. | 5 |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Give your men the charge; we must be brief. |
| MISTRESS FORD | Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be |
| ready here hard by in the brew-house: and when I |
| suddenly call you, come forth, and without any pause |
| or staggering take this basket on your shoulders: | 10 |
| that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry |
| it among the whitsters in Datchet-mead, and there |
| empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | You will do it? |
| MISTRESS FORD | I ha' told them over and over; they lack no | 15 |
| direction. Be gone, and come when you are called. |
| [Exeunt Servants] |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Here comes little Robin. |
| [Enter ROBIN] |
| MISTRESS FORD | How now, my eyas-musket! what news with you? |
| ROBIN | My master, Sir John, is come in at your back-door, |
| Mistress Ford, and requests your company. | 20 |
| MISTRESS PAGE | You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us? |
| ROBIN | Ay, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of your |
| being here and hath threatened to put me into |
| everlasting liberty if I tell you of it; for he |
| swears he'll turn me away. | 25 |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Thou'rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine shall be |
| a tailor to thee and shall make thee a new doublet |
| and hose. I'll go hide me. |
| MISTRESS FORD | Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone. |
[Exit ROBIN] |
| Mistress Page, remember you your cue. | 30 |
| MISTRESS PAGE | I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me. |
| [Exit] |
| MISTRESS FORD | Go to, then: we'll use this unwholesome humidity, |
| this gross watery pumpion; we'll teach him to know |
| turtles from jays. |
| [Enter FALSTAFF] |
| FALSTAFF | Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now let | 35 |
| me die, for I have lived long enough: this is the |
| period of my ambition: O this blessed hour! |
| MISTRESS FORD | O sweet Sir John! |
| FALSTAFF | Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate, |
| Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would | 40 |
| thy husband were dead: I'll speak it before the |
| best lord; I would make thee my lady. |
| MISTRESS FORD | I your lady, Sir John! alas, I should be a pitiful lady! |
| FALSTAFF | Let the court of France show me such another. I see |
| how thine eye would emulate the diamond: thou hast | 45 |
| the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the |
| ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of |
| Venetian admittance. |
| MISTRESS FORD | A plain kerchief, Sir John: my brows become nothing |
| else; nor that well neither. | 50 |
| FALSTAFF | By the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so: thou |
| wouldst make an absolute courtier; and the firm |
| fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion |
| to thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale. I see |
| what thou wert, if Fortune thy foe were not, Nature | 55 |
| thy friend. Come, thou canst not hide it. |
| MISTRESS FORD | Believe me, there is no such thing in me. |
| FALSTAFF | What made me love thee? let that persuade thee |
| there's something extraordinary in thee. Come, I |
| cannot cog and say thou art this and that, like a | 60 |
| many of these lisping hawthorn-buds, that come like |
| women in men's apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury |
| in simple time; I cannot: but I love thee; none |
| but thee; and thou deservest it. |
| MISTRESS FORD | Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page. | 65 |
| FALSTAFF | Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the |
| Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek |
| of a lime-kiln. |
| MISTRESS FORD | Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall one |
| day find it. | 70 |
| FALSTAFF | Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it. |
| MISTRESS FORD | Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could not |
| be in that mind. |
| ROBIN | [Within] Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! here's
|
| Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and | 75 |
| looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently. |
| FALSTAFF | She shall not see me: I will ensconce me behind the arras. |
| MISTRESS FORD | Pray you, do so: she's a very tattling woman. |
[FALSTAFF hides himself] |
[Re-enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN] |
| What's the matter? how now! |
| MISTRESS PAGE | O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You're shamed, | 80 |
| you're overthrown, you're undone for ever! |
| MISTRESS FORD | What's the matter, good Mistress Page? |
| MISTRESS PAGE | O well-a-day, Mistress Ford! having an honest man |
| to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion! |
| MISTRESS FORD | What cause of suspicion? | 85 |
| MISTRESS PAGE | What cause of suspicion! Out pon you! how am I |
| mistook in you! |
| MISTRESS FORD | Why, alas, what's the matter? |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Your husband's coming hither, woman, with all the |
| officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that | 90 |
| he says is here now in the house by your consent, to |
| take an ill advantage of his assence: you are undone. |
| MISTRESS FORD | 'Tis not so, I hope. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a man |
| here! but 'tis most certain your husband's coming, | 95 |
| with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a |
| one. I come before to tell you. If you know |
| yourself clear, why, I am glad of it; but if you |
| have a friend here convey, convey him out. Be not |
| amazed; call all your senses to you; defend your | 100 |
| reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever. |
| MISTRESS FORD | What shall I do? There is a gentleman my dear |
| friend; and I fear not mine own shame so much as his |
| peril: I had rather than a thousand pound he were |
| out of the house. | 105 |
| MISTRESS PAGE | For shame! never stand 'you had rather' and 'you |
| had rather:' your husband's here at hand, bethink |
| you of some conveyance: in the house you cannot |
| hide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look, here |
| is a basket: if he be of any reasonable stature, he | 110 |
| may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him, as |
| if it were going to bucking: or--it is whiting-time |
| --send him by your two men to Datchet-mead. |
| MISTRESS FORD | He's too big to go in there. What shall I do? |
| FALSTAFF | [Coming forward] Let me see't, let me see't, O, let
| 115 |
| me see't! I'll in, I'll in. Follow your friend's |
| counsel. I'll in. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | What, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight? |
| FALSTAFF | I love thee. Help me away. Let me creep in here. |
| I'll never-- | 120 |
| [Gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen] |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Help to cover your master, boy. Call your men, |
| Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight! |
| MISTRESS FORD | What, John! Robert! John! |
[Exit ROBIN] |
[Re-enter Servants] |
| Go take up these clothes here quickly. Where's the |
| cowl-staff? look, how you drumble! Carry them to | 125 |
| the laundress in Datchet-meat; quickly, come. |
| [Enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS] |
| FORD | Pray you, come near: if I suspect without cause, |
| why then make sport at me; then let me be your jest; |
| I deserve it. How now! whither bear you this? |
| Servant | To the laundress, forsooth. | 130 |
| MISTRESS FORD | Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You |
| were best meddle with buck-washing. |
| FORD | Buck! I would I could wash myself of the buck! |
| Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck; I warrant you, buck; |
| and of the season too, it shall appear. | 135 |
[Exeunt Servants with the basket] |
| Gentlemen, I have dreamed to-night; I'll tell you my |
| dream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend my |
| chambers; search, seek, find out: I'll warrant |
| we'll unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first. |
[Locking the door] |
| So, now uncape. | 140 |
| PAGE | Good Master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much. |
| FORD | True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen: you shall see |
| sport anon: follow me, gentlemen. |
| [Exit] |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies. |
| DOCTOR CAIUS | By gar, 'tis no the fashion of France; it is not | 145 |
| jealous in France. |
| PAGE | Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search. |
| [Exeunt PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS] |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Is there not a double excellency in this? |
| MISTRESS FORD | I know not which pleases me better, that my husband |
| is deceived, or Sir John. | 150 |
| MISTRESS PAGE | What a taking was he in when your husband asked who |
| was in the basket! |
| MISTRESS FORD | I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so |
| throwing him into the water will do him a benefit. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the same | 155 |
| strain were in the same distress. |
| MISTRESS FORD | I think my husband hath some special suspicion of |
| Falstaff's being here; for I never saw him so gross |
| in his jealousy till now. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | I will lay a plot to try that; and we will yet have | 160 |
| more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease will |
| scarce obey this medicine. |
| MISTRESS FORD | Shall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress |
| Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the |
| water; and give him another hope, to betray him to | 165 |
| another punishment? |
| MISTRESS PAGE | We will do it: let him be sent for to-morrow, |
| eight o'clock, to have amends. |
| [
Re-enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and
SIR HUGH EVANS
] |
| FORD | I cannot find him: may be the knave bragged of that |
| he could not compass. | 170 |
| MISTRESS PAGE | [Aside to MISTRESS FORD] Heard you that?
|
| MISTRESS FORD | You use me well, Master Ford, do you? |
| FORD | Ay, I do so. |
| MISTRESS FORD | Heaven make you better than your thoughts! |
| FORD | Amen! | 175 |
| MISTRESS PAGE | You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford. |
| FORD | Ay, ay; I must bear it. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | If there be any pody in the house, and in the |
| chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, |
| heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment! | 180 |
| DOCTOR CAIUS | By gar, nor I too: there is no bodies. |
| PAGE | Fie, fie, Master Ford! are you not ashamed? What |
| spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I |
| would not ha' your distemper in this kind for the |
| wealth of Windsor Castle. | 185 |
| FORD | 'Tis my fault, Master Page: I suffer for it. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is as |
| honest a 'omans as I will desires among five |
| thousand, and five hundred too. |
| DOCTOR CAIUS | By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman. | 190 |
| FORD | Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk in |
| the Park: I pray you, pardon me; I will hereafter |
| make known to you why I have done this. Come, |
| wife; come, Mistress Page. I pray you, pardon me; |
| pray heartily, pardon me. | 195 |
| PAGE | Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll mock |
| him. I do invite you to-morrow morning to my house |
| to breakfast: after, we'll a-birding together; I |
| have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so? |
| FORD | Any thing. | 200 |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | If there is one, I shall make two in the company. |
| DOCTOR CAIUS | If dere be one or two, I shall make-a the turd. |
| FORD | Pray you, go, Master Page. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on the lousy |
| knave, mine host. | 205 |
| DOCTOR CAIUS | Dat is good; by gar, with all my heart! |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries! |
| [Exeunt] |
The Most Famous Quotations from The Merry Wives of Windsor