King Henry IV, Part II

King Henry IV, Part II

ACT II SCENE IV	London. The Boar's-head Tavern in Eastcheap.
	Enter two Drawers
First Drawer	What the devil hast thou brought there? apple-johns?
	thou knowest Sir John cannot endure an apple-john.
Second Drawer	Mass, thou sayest true. The prince once set a dish
	of apple-johns before him, and told him there were	5
	five more Sir Johns, and, putting off his hat, said
	'I will now take my leave of these six dry, round,
	old, withered knights.' It angered him to the
	heart: but he hath forgot that.
First Drawer	Why, then, cover, and set them down: and see if	10
	thou canst find out Sneak's noise; Mistress
	Tearsheet would fain hear some music. Dispatch: the
	room where they supped is too hot; they'll come in straight.
Second Drawer	Sirrah, here will be the prince and Master Poins
	anon; and they will put on two of our jerkins and	15
	aprons; and Sir John must not know of it: Bardolph
	hath brought word.
First Drawer	By the mass, here will be old Utis: it will be an
	excellent stratagem.
Second Drawer	I'll see if I can find out Sneak.	20
	Exit
	Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY and DOLL TEARSHEET
MISTRESS QUICKLY	I' faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in an
	excellent good temperality: your pulsidge beats as
	extraordinarily as heart would desire; and your
	colour, I warrant you, is as red as any rose, in good
	truth, la! But, i' faith, you have drunk too much	25
	canaries; and that's a marvellous searching wine,
	and it perfumes the blood ere one can say 'What's
	this?' How do you now?
DOLL TEARSHEET	Better than I was: hem!
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Why, that's well said; a good heart's worth gold.	30
	Lo, here comes Sir John.
	Enter FALSTAFF
FALSTAFF	Singing
	--Empty the jordan.
	Exit First Drawer
	Singing
	--'And was a worthy king.' How now, Mistress Doll!
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Sick of a calm; yea, good faith.
FALSTAFF	So is all her sect; an they be once in a calm, they are sick.	35
DOLL TEARSHEET	You muddy rascal, is that all the comfort you give me?
FALSTAFF	You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.
DOLL TEARSHEET	I make them! gluttony and diseases make them; I
	make them not.
FALSTAFF	If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to	40
	make the diseases, Doll: we catch of you, Doll, we
	catch of you; grant that, my poor virtue grant that.
DOLL TEARSHEET	Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels.
FALSTAFF	'Your broaches, pearls, and ouches:' for to serve
	bravely is to come halting off, you know: to come	45
	off the breach with his pike bent bravely, and to
	surgery bravely; to venture upon the charged
	chambers bravely,--
DOLL TEARSHEET	Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself!
MISTRESS QUICKLY	By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two never	50
	meet but you fall to some discord: you are both,
	i' good truth, as rheumatic as two dry toasts; you
	cannot one bear with another's confirmities. What
	the good-year! one must bear, and that must be
	you: you are the weaker vessel, as they say, the	55
	emptier vessel.
DOLL TEARSHEET	Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full
	hogshead? there's a whole merchant's venture of
	Bourdeaux stuff in him; you have not seen a hulk
	better stuffed in the hold. Come, I'll be friends	60
	with thee, Jack: thou art going to the wars; and
	whether I shall ever see thee again or no, there is
	nobody cares.
	Re-enter First Drawer
First Drawer	Sir, Ancient Pistol's below, and would speak with
	you.	65
DOLL TEARSHEET	Hang him, swaggering rascal! let him not come
	hither: it is the foul-mouthed'st rogue in England.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	If he swagger, let him not come here: no, by my
	faith; I must live among my neighbours: I'll no
	swaggerers: I am in good name and fame with the	70
	very best: shut the door; there comes no swaggerers
	here: I have not lived all this while, to have
	swaggering now: shut the door, I pray you.
FALSTAFF	Dost thou hear, hostess?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Pray ye, pacify yourself, Sir John: there comes no	75
	swaggerers here.
FALSTAFF	Dost thou hear? it is mine ancient.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne'er tell me: your ancient
	swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was before Master
	Tisick, the debuty, t'other day; and, as he said to	80
	me, 'twas no longer ago than Wednesday last, 'I'
	good faith, neighbour Quickly,' says he; Master
	Dumbe, our minister, was by then; 'neighbour
	Quickly,' says he, 'receive those that are civil;
	for,' said he, 'you are in an ill name:' now a'	85
	said so, I can tell whereupon; 'for,' says he, 'you
	are an honest woman, and well thought on; therefore
	take heed what guests you receive: receive,' says
	he, 'no swaggering companions.' There comes none
	here: you would bless you to hear what he said:	90
	no, I'll no swaggerers.
FALSTAFF	He's no swaggerer, hostess; a tame cheater, i'
	faith; you may stroke him as gently as a puppy
	greyhound: he'll not swagger with a Barbary hen, if
	her feathers turn back in any show of resistance.	95
	Call him up, drawer.
	Exit First Drawer
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest man my
	house, nor no cheater: but I do not love
	swaggering, by my troth; I am the worse, when one
	says swagger: feel, masters, how I shake; look you,	100
	I warrant you.
DOLL TEARSHEET	So you do, hostess.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Do I? yea, in very truth, do I, an 'twere an aspen
	leaf: I cannot abide swaggerers.
	Enter PISTOL, BARDOLPH, and Page
PISTOL	God save you, Sir John!	105
FALSTAFF	Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge
	you with a cup of sack: do you discharge upon mine hostess.
PISTOL	I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets.
FALSTAFF	She is Pistol-proof, sir; you shall hardly offend
	her.	110
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Come, I'll drink no proofs nor no bullets: I'll
	drink no more than will do me good, for no man's
	pleasure, I.
PISTOL	Then to you, Mistress Dorothy; I will charge you.
DOLL TEARSHEET	Charge me! I scorn you, scurvy companion. What!	115
	you poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen
	mate! Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for
	your master.
PISTOL	I know you, Mistress Dorothy.
DOLL TEARSHEET	Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung, away!	120
	by this wine, I'll thrust my knife in your mouldy
	chaps, an you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away,
	you bottle-ale rascal! you basket-hilt stale
	juggler, you! Since when, I pray you, sir? God's
	light, with two points on your shoulder? much!	125
PISTOL	God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff for this.
FALSTAFF	No more, Pistol; I would not have you go off here:
	discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	No, Good Captain Pistol; not here, sweet captain.
DOLL TEARSHEET	Captain! thou abominable damned cheater, art thou	130
	not ashamed to be called captain? An captains were
	of my mind, they would truncheon you out, for
	taking their names upon you before you have earned
	them. You a captain! you slave, for what? for
	tearing a poor whore's ruff in a bawdy-house? He a	135
	captain! hang him, rogue! he lives upon mouldy
	stewed prunes and dried cakes. A captain! God's
	light, these villains will make the word as odious
	as the word 'occupy;' which was an excellent good
	word before it was ill sorted: therefore captains	140
	had need look to 't.
BARDOLPH	Pray thee, go down, good ancient.
FALSTAFF	Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.
PISTOL	Not I I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could
	tear her: I'll be revenged of her.	145
Page	Pray thee, go down.
PISTOL	I'll see her damned first; to Pluto's damned lake,
	by this hand, to the infernal deep, with Erebus and
	tortures vile also. Hold hook and line, say I.
	Down, down, dogs! down, faitors! Have we not	150
	Hiren here?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Good Captain Peesel, be quiet; 'tis very late, i'
	faith: I beseek you now, aggravate your choler.
PISTOL	These be good humours, indeed! Shall pack-horses
	And hollow pamper'd jades of Asia,	155
	Which cannot go but thirty mile a-day,
	Compare with Caesars, and with Cannibals,
	And Trojan Greeks? nay, rather damn them with
	King Cerberus; and let the welkin roar.
	Shall we fall foul for toys?	160
MISTRESS QUICKLY	By my troth, captain, these are very bitter words.
BARDOLPH	Be gone, good ancient: this will grow to abrawl anon.
PISTOL	Die men like dogs! give crowns like pins! Have we
	not Heren here?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	O' my word, captain, there's none such here. What	165
	the good-year! do you think I would deny her? For
	God's sake, be quiet.
PISTOL	Then feed, and be fat, my fair Calipolis.
	Come, give's some sack.
	'Si fortune me tormente, sperato me contento.'	170
	Fear we broadsides? no, let the fiend give fire:
	Give me some sack: and, sweetheart, lie thou there.
	Laying down his sword
	Come we to full points here; and are etceteras nothing?
FALSTAFF	Pistol, I would be quiet.
PISTOL	Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf: what! we have seen	175
	the seven stars.
DOLL TEARSHEET	For God's sake, thrust him down stairs: I cannot
	endure such a fustian rascal.
PISTOL	Thrust him down stairs! know we not Galloway nags?
FALSTAFF	Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat	180
	shilling: nay, an a' do nothing but speak nothing,
	a' shall be nothing here.
BARDOLPH	Come, get you down stairs.
PISTOL	What! shall we have incision? shall we imbrue?
	Snatching up his sword
	Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days!	185
	Why, then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds
	Untwine the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say!
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Here's goodly stuff toward!
FALSTAFF	Give me my rapier, boy.
DOLL TEARSHEET	I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee, do not draw.	190
FALSTAFF	Get you down stairs.
	Drawing, and driving PISTOL out
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Here's a goodly tumult! I'll forswear keeping
	house, afore I'll be in these tirrits and frights.
	So; murder, I warrant now. Alas, alas! put up
	your naked weapons, put up your naked weapons.	195
	Exeunt PISTOL and BARDOLPH
DOLL TEARSHEET	I pray thee, Jack, be quiet; the rascal's gone.
	Ah, you whoreson little valiant villain, you!
MISTRESS QUICKLY	He you not hurt i' the groin? methought a' made a
	shrewd thrust at your belly.
	Re-enter BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF	Have you turned him out o' doors?	200
BARDOLPH	Yea, sir. The rascal's drunk: you have hurt him,
	sir, i' the shoulder.
FALSTAFF	A rascal! to brave me!
DOLL TEARSHEET	Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! alas, poor ape,
	how thou sweatest! come, let me wipe thy face;	205
	come on, you whoreson chops: ah, rogue! i'faith, I
	love thee: thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy,
	worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times better than
	the Nine Worthies: ah, villain!
FALSTAFF	A rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket.	210
DOLL TEARSHEET	Do, an thou darest for thy heart: an thou dost,
	I'll canvass thee between a pair of sheets.
	Enter Music
Page	The music is come, sir.
FALSTAFF	Let them play. Play, sirs. Sit on my knee, Doll.
	A rascal bragging slave! the rogue fled from me	215
	like quicksilver.
DOLL TEARSHEET	I' faith, and thou followedst him like a church.
	Thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig,
	when wilt thou leave fighting o' days and foining
	o' nights, and begin to patch up thine old body for heaven?	220
	Enter, behind, PRINCE HENRY and POINS, disguised
FALSTAFF	Peace, good Doll! do not speak like a death's-head;
	do not bid me remember mine end.
DOLL TEARSHEET	Sirrah, what humour's the prince of?
FALSTAFF	A good shallow young fellow: a' would have made a
	good pantler, a' would ha' chipp'd bread well.	225
DOLL TEARSHEET	They say Poins has a good wit.
FALSTAFF	He a good wit? hang him, baboon! his wit's as thick
	as Tewksbury mustard; there's no more conceit in him
	than is in a mallet.
DOLL TEARSHEET	Why does the prince love him so, then?	230
FALSTAFF	Because their legs are both of a bigness, and a'
	plays at quoits well, and eats conger and fennel,
	and drinks off candles' ends for flap-dragons, and
	rides the wild-mare with the boys, and jumps upon
	joined-stools, and swears with a good grace, and	235
	wears his boots very smooth, like unto the sign of
	the leg, and breeds no bate with telling of discreet
	stories; and such other gambol faculties a' has,
	that show a weak mind and an able body, for the
	which the prince admits him: for the prince himself	240
	is such another; the weight of a hair will turn the
	scales between their avoirdupois.
PRINCE HENRY	Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off?
POINS	Let's beat him before his whore.
PRINCE HENRY	Look, whether the withered elder hath not his poll	245
	clawed like a parrot.
POINS	Is it not strange that desire should so many years
	outlive performance?
FALSTAFF	Kiss me, Doll.
PRINCE HENRY	Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction! what	250
	says the almanac to that?
POINS	And look, whether the fiery Trigon, his man, be not
	lisping to his master's old tables, his note-book,
	his counsel-keeper.
FALSTAFF	Thou dost give me flattering busses.	255
DOLL TEARSHEET	By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart.
FALSTAFF	I am old, I am old.
DOLL TEARSHEET	I love thee better than I love e'er a scurvy young
	boy of them all.
FALSTAFF	What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive	260
	money o' Thursday: shalt have a cap to-morrow. A
	merry song, come: it grows late; we'll to bed.
	Thou'lt forget me when I am gone.
DOLL TEARSHEET	By my troth, thou'lt set me a-weeping, an thou
	sayest so: prove that ever I dress myself handsome	265
	till thy return: well, harken at the end.
FALSTAFF	Some sack, Francis.
PRINCE HENRY	\|
	\| Anon, anon, sir.
POINS	\|	270
	Coming forward
FALSTAFF	Ha! a bastard son of the king's? And art not thou
	Poins his brother?
PRINCE HENRY	Why, thou globe of sinful continents! what a life
	dost thou lead!
FALSTAFF	A better than thou: I am a gentleman; thou art a drawer.	275
PRINCE HENRY	Very true, sir; and I come to draw you out by the ears.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	O, the Lord preserve thy good grace! by my troth,
	welcome to London. Now, the Lord bless that sweet
	face of thine! O, Jesu, are you come from Wales?
FALSTAFF	Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty, by this light	280
	flesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome.
DOLL TEARSHEET	How, you fat fool! I scorn you.
POINS	My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge and
	turn all to a merriment, if you take not the heat.
PRINCE HENRY	You whoreson candle-mine, you, how vilely did you	285
	speak of me even now before this honest, virtuous,
	civil gentlewoman!
MISTRESS QUICKLY	God's blessing of your good heart! and so she is,
	by my troth.
FALSTAFF	Didst thou hear me?	290
PRINCE HENRY	Yea, and you knew me, as you did when you ran away
	by Gad's-hill: you knew I was at your back, and
	spoke it on purpose to try my patience.
FALSTAFF	No, no, no; not so; I did not think thou wast within hearing.
PRINCE HENRY	I shall drive you then to confess the wilful abuse;	295
	and then I know how to handle you.
FALSTAFF	No abuse, Hal, o' mine honour, no abuse.
PRINCE HENRY	Not to dispraise me, and call me pantier and
	bread-chipper and I know not what?
FALSTAFF	No abuse, Hal.	300
POINS	No abuse?
FALSTAFF	No abuse, Ned, i' the world; honest Ned, none. I
	dispraised him before the wicked, that the wicked
	might not fall in love with him; in which doing, I
	have done the part of a careful friend and a true	305
	subject, and thy father is to give me thanks for it.
	No abuse, Hal: none, Ned, none: no, faith, boys, none.
PRINCE HENRY	See now, whether pure fear and entire cowardice doth
	not make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to
	close with us? is she of the wicked? is thine	310
	hostess here of the wicked? or is thy boy of the
	wicked? or honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in his
	nose, of the wicked?
POINS	Answer, thou dead elm, answer.
FALSTAFF	The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable;	315
	and his face is Lucifer's privy-kitchen, where he
	doth nothing but roast malt-worms. For the boy,
	there is a good angel about him; but the devil
	outbids him too.
PRINCE HENRY	For the women?	320
FALSTAFF	For one of them, she is in hell already, and burns
	poor souls. For the other, I owe her money, and
	whether she be damned for that, I know not.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	No, I warrant you.
FALSTAFF	No, I think thou art not; I think thou art quit for	325
	that. Marry, there is another indictment upon thee,
	for suffering flesh to be eaten in thy house,
	contrary to the law; for the which I think thou wilt howl.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	All victuallers do so; what's a joint of mutton or
	two in a whole Lent?	330
PRINCE HENRY	You, gentlewoman,-
DOLL TEARSHEET	What says your grace?
FALSTAFF	His grace says that which his flesh rebels against.
	Knocking within
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Who knocks so loud at door? Look to the door there, Francis.
	Enter PETO
PRINCE HENRY	Peto, how now! what news?	335
PETO	The king your father is at Westminster:
	And there are twenty weak and wearied posts
	Come from the north: and, as I came along,
	I met and overtook a dozen captains,
	Bare-headed, sweating, knocking at the taverns,	340
	And asking every one for Sir John Falstaff.
PRINCE HENRY	By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame,
	So idly to profane the precious time,
	When tempest of commotion, like the south
	Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt	345
	And drop upon our bare unarmed heads.
	Give me my sword and cloak. Falstaff, good night.
	Exeunt PRINCE HENRY, POINS, PETO and BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF	Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and
	we must hence and leave it unpicked.
	Knocking within
	More knocking at the door!	350
	Re-enter BARDOLPH
	How now! what's the matter?
BARDOLPH	You must away to court, sir, presently;
	A dozen captains stay at door for you.
FALSTAFF	To the Page
	hostess; farewell, Doll. You see, my good wenches,
	how men of merit are sought after: the undeserver	355
	may sleep, when the man of action is called on.
	Farewell good wenches: if I be not sent away post,
	I will see you again ere I go.
DOLL TEARSHEET	I cannot speak; if my heart be not read to burst,--
	well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.	360
FALSTAFF	Farewell, farewell.
	Exeunt FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Well, fare thee well: I have known thee these
	twenty-nine years, come peascod-time; but an
	honester and truer-hearted man,--well, fare thee well.
BARDOLPH	Within
MISTRESS QUICKLY	What's the matter?	365
BARDOLPH	Within
MISTRESS QUICKLY	O, run, Doll, run; run, good Doll: come.
	She comes blubbered
	Yea, will you come, Doll?
	Exeunt