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Troilus and Cressida

ACT V SCENE I The Grecian camp. Before Achilles' tent. 
ACHILLESI'll heat his blood with Greekish wine to-night,
Which with my scimitar I'll cool to-morrow.
Patroclus, let us feast him to the height.
PATROCLUSHere comes Thersites.
ACHILLESHow now, thou core of envy!5
Thou crusty batch of nature, what's the news?
THERSITESWhy, thou picture of what thou seemest, and idol
of idiot worshippers, here's a letter for thee.
ACHILLESFrom whence, fragment?
THERSITESWhy, thou full dish of fool, from Troy.10
PATROCLUSWho keeps the tent now?
THERSITESThe surgeon's box, or the patient's wound.
PATROCLUSWell said, adversity! and what need these tricks?
THERSITESPrithee, be silent, boy; I profit not by thy talk:
thou art thought to be Achilles' male varlet.15
PATROCLUSMale varlet, you rogue! what's that?
THERSITESWhy, his masculine whore. Now, the rotten diseases
of the south, the guts-griping, ruptures, catarrhs,
loads o' gravel i' the back, lethargies, cold
palsies, raw eyes, dirt-rotten livers, wheezing20
lungs, bladders full of imposthume, sciaticas,
limekilns i' the palm, incurable bone-ache, and the
rivelled fee-simple of the tetter, take and take
again such preposterous discoveries!
PATROCLUSWhy thou damnable box of envy, thou, what meanest25
thou to curse thus?
THERSITESDo I curse thee?
PATROCLUSWhy no, you ruinous butt, you whoreson
indistinguishable cur, no.
THERSITESNo! why art thou then exasperate, thou idle30
immaterial skein of sleave-silk, thou green sarcenet
flap for a sore eye, thou tassel of a prodigal's
purse, thou? Ah, how the poor world is pestered
with such waterflies, diminutives of nature!
PATROCLUSOut, gall!35
ACHILLESMy sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quite
From my great purpose in to-morrow's battle.
Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba,
A token from her daughter, my fair love,40
Both taxing me and gaging me to keep
An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it:
Fall Greeks; fail fame; honour or go or stay;
My major vow lies here, this I'll obey.
Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent:45
This night in banqueting must all be spent.
Away, Patroclus!
THERSITESWith too much blood and too little brain, these two
may run mad; but, if with too much brain and too
little blood they do, I'll be a curer of madmen.50
Here's Agamemnon, an honest fellow enough and one
that loves quails; but he has not so much brain as
earwax: and the goodly transformation of Jupiter
there, his brother, the bull,--the primitive statue,
and oblique memorial of cuckolds; a thrifty55
shoeing-horn in a chain, hanging at his brother's
leg,--to what form but that he is, should wit larded
with malice and malice forced with wit turn him to?
To an ass, were nothing; he is both ass and ox: to
an ox, were nothing; he is both ox and ass. To be a60
dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a toad, a lizard, an
owl, a puttock, or a herring without a roe, I would
not care; but to be Menelaus, I would conspire
against destiny. Ask me not, what I would be, if I
were not Thersites; for I care not to be the louse65
of a lazar, so I were not Menelaus! Hey-day!
spirits and fires!
AGAMEMNONWe go wrong, we go wrong.
AJAXNo, yonder 'tis;
There, where we see the lights.70
HECTORI trouble you.
AJAXNo, not a whit.
ULYSSESHere comes himself to guide you.
[Re-enter ACHILLES]
ACHILLESWelcome, brave Hector; welcome, princes all.
AGAMEMNONSo now, fair prince of Troy, I bid good night.75
Ajax commands the guard to tend on you.
HECTORThanks and good night to the Greeks' general.
MENELAUSGood night, my lord.
HECTORGood night, sweet lord Menelaus.
THERSITESSweet draught: 'sweet' quoth 'a! sweet sink,80
sweet sewer.
ACHILLESGood night and welcome, both at once, to those
That go or tarry.
AGAMEMNONGood night.
ACHILLESOld Nestor tarries; and you too, Diomed,85
Keep Hector company an hour or two.
DIOMEDESI cannot, lord; I have important business,
The tide whereof is now. Good night, great Hector.
HECTORGive me your hand.
ULYSSES[Aside to TROILUS] Follow his torch; he goes to 90
Calchas' tent:
I'll keep you company.
TROILUSSweet sir, you honour me.
HECTORAnd so, good night.
[Exit DIOMEDES; ULYSSES and TROILUS following]
ACHILLESCome, come, enter my tent.95
THERSITESThat same Diomed's a false-hearted rogue, a most
unjust knave; I will no more trust him when he leers
than I will a serpent when he hisses: he will spend
his mouth, and promise, like Brabbler the hound:
but when he performs, astronomers foretell it; it100
is prodigious, there will come some change; the sun
borrows of the moon, when Diomed keeps his
word. I will rather leave to see Hector, than
not to dog him: they say he keeps a Trojan
drab, and uses the traitor Calchas' tent: I'll105
after. Nothing but lechery! all incontinent varlets!

Troilus and Cressida, Act 5, Scene 2


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