The Merry Wives of Windsor

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ACT I SCENE III	A room in the Garter Inn.
[ Enter FALSTAFF, Host, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, and ROBIN ]
FALSTAFF	Mine host of the Garter!
Host	What says my bully-rook? speak scholarly and wisely.
FALSTAFF	Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my
	followers.
Host	Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag; trot, trot.	5
FALSTAFF	I sit at ten pounds a week.
Host	Thou'rt an emperor, Caesar, Keisar, and Pheezar. I
	will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall
	tap: said I well, bully Hector?
FALSTAFF	Do so, good mine host.	10
Host	I have spoke; let him follow.
[To BARDOLPH]
	Let me see thee froth and lime: I am at a word; follow.
[Exit]
FALSTAFF	Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade:
	an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered
	serving-man a fresh tapster. Go; adieu.	15
BARDOLPH	It is a life that I have desired: I will thrive.
PISTOL	O base Hungarian wight! wilt thou the spigot wield?
[Exit BARDOLPH]
NYM	He was gotten in drink: is not the humour conceited?
FALSTAFF	I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox: his
	thefts were too open; his filching was like an	20
	unskilful singer; he kept not time.
NYM	The good humour is to steal at a minute's rest.
PISTOL	'Convey,' the wise it call. 'Steal!' foh! a fico
	for the phrase!
FALSTAFF	Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.	25
PISTOL	Why, then, let kibes ensue.
FALSTAFF	There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift.
PISTOL	Young ravens must have food.
FALSTAFF	Which of you know Ford of this town?
PISTOL	I ken the wight: he is of substance good.	30
FALSTAFF	My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
PISTOL	Two yards, and more.
FALSTAFF	No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist two
	yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about
	thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's	35
	wife: I spy entertainment in her; she discourses,
	she carves, she gives the leer of invitation: I
	can construe the action of her familiar style; and
	the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished
	rightly, is, 'I am Sir John Falstaff's.'	40
PISTOL	He hath studied her will, and translated her will,
	out of honesty into English.
NYM	The anchor is deep: will that humour pass?
FALSTAFF	Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her
	husband's purse: he hath a legion of angels.	45
PISTOL	As many devils entertain; and 'To her, boy,' say I.
NYM	The humour rises; it is good: humour me the angels.
FALSTAFF	I have writ me here a letter to her: and here
	another to Page's wife, who even now gave me good
	eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious	50
	oeillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my
	foot, sometimes my portly belly.
PISTOL	Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
NYM	I thank thee for that humour.
FALSTAFF	O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with such a	55
	greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did
	seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here's
	another letter to her: she bears the purse too; she
	is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will
	be cheater to them both, and they shall be	60
	exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West
	Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou
	this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to
	Mistress Ford: we will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
PISTOL	Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,	65
	And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all!
NYM	I will run no base humour: here, take the
	humour-letter: I will keep the havior of reputation.
FALSTAFF	[To ROBIN] Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;
	Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.	70
	Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go;
	Trudge, plod away o' the hoof; seek shelter, pack!
	Falstaff will learn the humour of the age,
	French thrift, you rogues; myself and skirted page.
[Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN]
PISTOL	Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds,	75
	And high and low beguiles the rich and poor:
	Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
	Base Phrygian Turk!
NYM	I have operations which be humours of revenge.
PISTOL	Wilt thou revenge?	80
NYM	By welkin and her star!
PISTOL	With wit or steel?
NYM	With both the humours, I:
	I will discuss the humour of this love to Page.
PISTOL	And I to Ford shall eke unfold	85
	How Falstaff, varlet vile,
	His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
	And his soft couch defile.
NYM	My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page to
	deal with poison; I will possess him with	90
	yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous:
	that is my true humour.
PISTOL	Thou art the Mars of malecontents: I second thee; troop on.
[Exeunt]