The Merry Wives of Windsor

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ACT II SCENE II	A room in the Garter Inn.
[Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL]
FALSTAFF	I will not lend thee a penny.
PISTOL	Why, then the world's mine oyster.
	Which I with sword will open.
FALSTAFF	Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should
	lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon my	5
	good friends for three reprieves for you and your
	coach-fellow Nym; or else you had looked through
	the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned in
	hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends, you were
	good soldiers and tall fellows; and when Mistress	10
	Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't upon
	mine honour thou hadst it not.
PISTOL	Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteen pence?
FALSTAFF	Reason, you rogue, reason: thinkest thou I'll
	endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more	15
	about me, I am no gibbet for you. Go. A short knife
	and a throng! To your manor of Pickt-hatch! Go.
	You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue! you
	stand upon your honour! Why, thou unconfinable
	baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the	20
	terms of my honour precise: I, I, I myself
	sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand
	and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to
	shuffle, to hedge and to lurch; and yet you, rogue,
	will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain	25
	looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your
	bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your
	honour! You will not do it, you!
PISTOL	I do relent: what would thou more of man?
[Enter ROBIN]
ROBIN	Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.	30
FALSTAFF	Let her approach.
[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY]
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Give your worship good morrow.
FALSTAFF	Good morrow, good wife.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Not so, an't please your worship.
FALSTAFF	Good maid, then.	35
MISTRESS QUICKLY	I'll be sworn,
	As my mother was, the first hour I was born.
FALSTAFF	I do believe the swearer. What with me?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?
FALSTAFF	Two thousand, fair woman: and I'll vouchsafe thee	40
	the hearing.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	There is one Mistress Ford, sir:--I pray, come a
	little nearer this ways:--I myself dwell with master
	Doctor Caius,--
FALSTAFF	Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,--	45
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Your worship says very true: I pray your worship,
	come a little nearer this ways.
FALSTAFF	I warrant thee, nobody hears; mine own people, mine
	own people.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Are they so? God bless them and make them his servants!	50
FALSTAFF	Well, Mistress Ford; what of her?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord Lord! your
	worship's a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you and all
	of us, I pray!
FALSTAFF	Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford,--	55
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Marry, this is the short and the long of it; you
	have brought her into such a canaries as 'tis
	wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the
	court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her
	to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and	60
	lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I warrant
	you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift
	after gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and so
	rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in
	such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of	65
	the best and the fairest, that would have won any
	woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could never
	get an eye-wink of her: I had myself twenty angels
	given me this morning; but I defy all angels, in
	any such sort, as they say, but in the way of	70
	honesty: and, I warrant you, they could never get
	her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of
	them all: and yet there has been earls, nay, which
	is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her.
FALSTAFF	But what says she to me? be brief, my good	75
	she-Mercury.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Marry, she hath received your letter, for the which
	she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you
	to notify that her husband will be absence from his
	house between ten and eleven.	80
FALSTAFF	Ten and eleven?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the
	picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford,
	her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet
	woman leads an ill life with him: he's a very	85
	jealousy man: she leads a very frampold life with
	him, good heart.
FALSTAFF	Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will
	not fail her.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to	90
	your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty
	commendations to you too: and let me tell you in
	your ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife, and
	one, I tell you, that will not miss you morning nor
	evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the	95
	other: and she bade me tell your worship that her
	husband is seldom from home; but she hopes there
	will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon
	a man: surely I think you have charms, la; yes, in truth.
FALSTAFF	Not I, I assure thee: setting the attractions of my	100
	good parts aside I have no other charms.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Blessing on your heart for't!
FALSTAFF	But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife and
	Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	That were a jest indeed! they have not so little	105
	grace, I hope: that were a trick indeed! but
	Mistress Page would desire you to send her your
	little page, of all loves: her husband has a
	marvellous infection to the little page; and truly
	Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in	110
	Windsor leads a better life than she does: do what
	she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go
	to bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as
	she will: and truly she deserves it; for if there
	be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must	115
	send her your page; no remedy.
FALSTAFF	Why, I will.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Nay, but do so, then: and, look you, he may come and
	go between you both; and in any case have a
	nay-word, that you may know one another's mind, and	120
	the boy never need to understand any thing; for
	'tis not good that children should know any
	wickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion,
	as they say, and know the world.
FALSTAFF	Fare thee well: commend me to them both: there's	125
	my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with
	this woman.
[Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY and ROBIN]
	This news distracts me!
PISTOL	This punk is one of Cupid's carriers:
	Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights:	130
	Give fire: she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
[Exit]
FALSTAFF	Sayest thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll make
	more of thy old body than I have done. Will they
	yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense
	of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I	135
	thank thee. Let them say 'tis grossly done; so it be
	fairly done, no matter.
[Enter BARDOLPH]
BARDOLPH	Sir John, there's one Master Brook below would fain
	speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and hath
	sent your worship a morning's draught of sack.	140
FALSTAFF	Brook is his name?
BARDOLPH	Ay, sir.
FALSTAFF	Call him in.
[Exit BARDOLPH]
	Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o'erflow such
	liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress Ford and Mistress Page	145
	have I encompassed you? go to; via!
[Re-enter BARDOLPH, with FORD disguised]
FORD	Bless you, sir!
FALSTAFF	And you, sir! Would you speak with me?
FORD	I make bold to press with so little preparation upon
	you.	150
FALSTAFF	You're welcome. What's your will? Give us leave, drawer.
[Exit BARDOLPH]
FORD	Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my name is Brook.
FALSTAFF	Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you.
FORD	Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you;
	for I must let you understand I think myself in	155
	better plight for a lender than you are: the which
	hath something embolden'd me to this unseasoned
	intrusion; for they say, if money go before, all
	ways do lie open.
FALSTAFF	Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.	160
FORD	Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me:
	if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or
	half, for easing me of the carriage.
FALSTAFF	Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.
FORD	I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.	165
FALSTAFF	Speak, good Master Brook: I shall be glad to be
	your servant.
FORD	Sir, I hear you are a scholar,--I will be brief
	with you,--and you have been a man long known to me,
	though I had never so good means, as desire, to make	170
	myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a
	thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine
	own imperfection: but, good Sir John, as you have
	one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded,
	turn another into the register of your own; that I	175
	may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you
	yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender.
FALSTAFF	Very well, sir; proceed.
FORD	There is a gentlewoman in this town; her husband's
	name is Ford.	180
FALSTAFF	Well, sir.
FORD	I have long loved her, and, I protest to you,
	bestowed much on her; followed her with a doting
	observance; engrossed opportunities to meet her;
	fee'd every slight occasion that could but niggardly	185
	give me sight of her; not only bought many presents
	to give her, but have given largely to many to know
	what she would have given; briefly, I have pursued
	her as love hath pursued me; which hath been on the
	wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have	190
	merited, either in my mind or, in my means, meed,
	I am sure, I have received none; unless experience
	be a jewel that I have purchased at an infinite
	rate, and that hath taught me to say this:
	'Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues;	195
	Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.'
FALSTAFF	Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands?
FORD	Never.
FALSTAFF	Have you importuned her to such a purpose?
FORD	Never.	200
FALSTAFF	Of what quality was your love, then?
FORD	Like a fair house built on another man's ground; so
	that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place
	where I erected it.
FALSTAFF	To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?	205
FORD	When I have told you that, I have told you all.
	Some say, that though she appear honest to me, yet in
	other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that
	there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir
	John, here is the heart of my purpose: you are a	210
	gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable
	discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your
	place and person, generally allowed for your many
	war-like, court-like, and learned preparations.
FALSTAFF	O, sir!	215
FORD	Believe it, for you know it. There is money; spend
	it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only
	give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as
	to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this
	Ford's wife: use your art of wooing; win her to	220
	consent to you: if any man may, you may as soon as
	any.
FALSTAFF	Would it apply well to the vehemency of your
	affection, that I should win what you would enjoy?
	Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.	225
FORD	O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on
	the excellency of her honour, that the folly of my
	soul dares not present itself: she is too bright to
	be looked against. Now, could I could come to her
	with any detection in my hand, my desires had	230
	instance and argument to commend themselves: I
	could drive her then from the ward of her purity,
	her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand
	other her defences, which now are too too strongly
	embattled against me. What say you to't, Sir John?	235
FALSTAFF	Master Brook, I will first make bold with your
	money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a
	gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife.
FORD	O good sir!
FALSTAFF	I say you shall.	240
FORD	Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none.
FALSTAFF	Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall want
	none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her
	own appointment; even as you came in to me, her
	assistant or go-between parted from me: I say I	245
	shall be with her between ten and eleven; for at
	that time the jealous rascally knave her husband
	will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall
	know how I speed.
FORD	I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford,	250
	sir?
FALSTAFF	Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not:
	yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the
	jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the
	which his wife seems to me well-favored. I will	255
	use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer;
	and there's my harvest-home.
FORD	I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him
	if you saw him.
FALSTAFF	Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will	260
	stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my
	cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o'er the
	cuckold's horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I
	will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt
	lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night.	265
	Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his style;
	thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and
	cuckold. Come to me soon at night.
[Exit]
FORD	What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is
	ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is	270
	improvident jealousy? my wife hath sent to him; the
	hour is fixed; the match is made. Would any man
	have thought this? See the hell of having a false
	woman! My bed shall be abused, my coffers
	ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not	275
	only receive this villanous wrong, but stand under
	the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that
	does me this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds
	well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are
	devils' additions, the names of fiends: but	280
	Cuckold! Wittol!--Cuckold! the devil himself hath
	not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass: he
	will trust his wife; he will not be jealous. I will
	rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh
	the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my	285
	aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling
	gelding, than my wife with herself; then she plots,
	then she ruminates, then she devises; and what they
	think in their hearts they may effect, they will
	break their hearts but they will effect. God be	290
	praised for my jealousy! Eleven o'clock the hour.
	I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on
	Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it;
	better three hours too soon than a minute too late.
	Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!	295
[Exit]