Twelfth Night

Twelfth Night

ACT IV SCENE II	OLIVIA's house.
	Enter MARIA and Clown
MARIA	Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard;
	make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do
	it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst.
	Exit
Clown	Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself	5
	in't; and I would I were the first that ever
	dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to
	become the function well, nor lean enough to be
	thought a good student; but to be said an honest man
	and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a	10
	careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.
	Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA
SIR TOBY BELCH	Jove bless thee, master Parson.
Clown	Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of
	Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily
	said to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is is;'	15
	so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for,
	what is 'that' but 'that,' and 'is' but 'is'?
SIR TOBY BELCH	To him, Sir Topas.
Clown	What, ho, I say! peace in this prison!
SIR TOBY BELCH	The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.	20
MALVOLIO	Within
Clown	Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio
	the lunatic.
MALVOLIO	Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.
Clown	Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man!
	talkest thou nothing but of ladies?	25
SIR TOBY BELCH	Well said, Master Parson.
MALVOLIO	Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir
	Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me
	here in hideous darkness.
Clown	Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most	30
	modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones
	that will use the devil himself with courtesy:
	sayest thou that house is dark?
MALVOLIO	As hell, Sir Topas.
Clown	Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes,	35
	and the clearstores toward the south north are as
	lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of
	obstruction?
MALVOLIO	I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark.
Clown	Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness	40
	but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than
	the Egyptians in their fog.
MALVOLIO	I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though
	ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there
	was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you	45
	are: make the trial of it in any constant question.
Clown	What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?
MALVOLIO	That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.
Clown	What thinkest thou of his opinion?
MALVOLIO	I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.	50
Clown	Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness:
	thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will
	allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest
	thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.
MALVOLIO	Sir Topas, Sir Topas!	55
SIR TOBY BELCH	My most exquisite Sir Topas!
Clown	Nay, I am for all waters.
MARIA	Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and
	gown: he sees thee not.
SIR TOBY BELCH	To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how	60
	thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this
	knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I
	would he were, for I am now so far in offence with
	my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this
	sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.	65
	Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA
Clown	Singing
	'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,
	Tell me how thy lady does.'
MALVOLIO	Fool!
Clown	'My lady is unkind, perdy.'
MALVOLIO	Fool!	70
Clown	'Alas, why is she so?'
MALVOLIO	Fool, I say!
Clown	'She loves another'--Who calls, ha?
MALVOLIO	Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my
	hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper:	75
	as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to
	thee for't.
Clown	Master Malvolio?
MALVOLIO	Ay, good fool.
Clown	Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?	80
MALVOLIO	Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I
	am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.
Clown	But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no
	better in your wits than a fool.
MALVOLIO	They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness,	85
	send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to
	face me out of my wits.
Clown	Advise you what you say; the minister is here.
	Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore!
	endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain	90
	bibble babble.
MALVOLIO	Sir Topas!
Clown	Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I,
	sir? not I, sir. God be wi' you, good Sir Topas.
	Merry, amen. I will, sir, I will.	95
MALVOLIO	Fool, fool, fool, I say!
Clown	Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am
	shent for speaking to you.
MALVOLIO	Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I
	tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.	100
Clown	Well-a-day that you were, sir
MALVOLIO	By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and
	light; and convey what I will set down to my lady:
	it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing
	of letter did.	105
Clown	I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you
	not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?
MALVOLIO	Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.
Clown	Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his
	brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.	110
MALVOLIO	Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I
	prithee, be gone.
Clown	Singing
	I am gone, sir,
	And anon, sir,
	I'll be with you again,	115
	In a trice,
	Like to the old Vice,
	Your need to sustain;
	Who, with dagger of lath,
	In his rage and his wrath,	120
	Cries, ah, ha! to the devil:
	Like a mad lad,
	Pare thy nails, dad;
	Adieu, good man devil.
	Exit